My Views On World Conquest....

3:28am: just what i thought would happen
wow...i could have sworn i called this before it started...







haha when we get back to school dont you fucking THINK about talking to me...





you have no fucking honor...you have no fucking right to touch, talk, or get close to me...


you WILL catch a fucking tornado round in the head if you approach me...





be forwarned im not gonna pretend to like you...im not going to pretend to like anyone...




highschool is bullshit...im tired of everyone making it out to be this HUGE deal...




cause its pretty fucking retarded...




let me tell you a little something that ive learned in my training as well as personal REFLECTION...



you must continue with life...no matter what stone is in your way...life will go on whether you like it or not...and therefore...you cant feel sad, sorry, or pity for anyone...i dont care if you dont like me, i dont care about the fact that your a complete fucking pussy and i dont care about the fact that you cant stand up and be a man for once in your whole GOD DAMN life...


you called him out...YOU must fight him...thats the way we used to play basketball...the person who submits the challenge must play, must forfeit any rights that might sway the outcome (giving him the ball first), and must put himself out for the judgement of others....



and you sir...are a coward...i dont associate with cowards...i REALLY dont like to see weakness from anyone...INCLUDING myself...




im sorry to say that i wont be what any of you hoped id be for senior year...i wont be the man to "go to the beach" or "skip on senior skip day" or even "be happy that its my last year"...


because ive already moved on passed simple things like senior year...and i look forth to my growth as a kid...













AND THATS ANOTHER THING!!!



what the fuck is wrong with you assholes...acting all fucking grown up and shit...OH IM GONNA DO THIS or IM GONNA DO THAT WHEN I GRADUATE...your still in fucking highschool, your still a fucking kid, and your not grown up...



your body might be one of an adult, but your still thinking like a child wanting to be a superhero...the only thing standing between you and your future is time...remember that...quote that shit...because right now...im tired of hearing about what college you plan to go to or what you plan to do when you go there...or grow up...how about your not fucking grown up yet?





your a child...



your always a child first...then an adult second...





me?


im still a kid, im still in a child's body...but that doesnt mean i dont comprehend with an adult form of thinking...


stop to look around once and awhile...youll find yourself lost in a sea of hope...a sea of hope that really doesnt stop flowing because you want it to...life wont stop for this year...its still going to be 365 days...but you know what...you can do ANYTHING you want during this year...



think about that now...



anything...


for a whole year...

me? i like to live life right now...so im not looking forward to the year to come but im looking at now noticing the lives we leave behind as we take this next step...


dont ever forget your child hood...you only have one...you only have one child hood to live before its all over...youll never get the days of your youth back...


why spend the time acting grown up about it?

12:48am: oh btw
when the fuck is brelin and brett's fight...you guys are starting to really fuckin piss me off with this whole being complete fucking pansies deal...



grow some god damn balls and fucking start hitting eachother god damnit

12:24am: my life as of now...
so dude...here's my life...its pretty friggin shweet i gotta say



no friends besides luke, joe, and charles, but with friends like them who needs anyone else really...


anyway i guess you can call mr. crump my friend along with oscar but their more of an instructor rather then someone to play video games with you know what im sayin...anyway...im pretty bored as of now the way summer has been going because the fact that i havent really been able to hang out with anyone really...so thats cool

ive now devoted myself to really improving myself as a martial artist and a gymnast...but really...thats like...one and the same...heres my plan:


1. QUIT EARL HARRIS KARATE
dude this is prolly gonna come as a surprise to alot of you but really...EHKA is getting really friggin gay if you knows what im sezzin...they've lost all of their impact...we dont do anything but stupid ass forms and stupid ass fighting stance drills that i frankly could have less fucking interest in...its retarded, lame and im really pissed off that they've resorted to such BS...i should be a black belt or something in there because lets be totally honest with eachother...being a black belt would be cool and all...but most of the black belts there are GAY...with the exception of kyle, and sidewitz really...but they suck...they really let ANYONE be a black belt there...and im not about to spend another year of my life learning anymore forms bullshit...i think thursday im gonna go up to mr. vancleave and ask him if we can do something fun this class...INSTEAD OF FORMS....INSTEAD OF BS FIGHTING STANCE DRILLS but something ACTUALLY FUN...im so friggin tired of not getting my friggin moneys worth out of this place...i mean i would honestly just pay for the mat time...i could really just work with their facilities instead of actually doing their god damn forms...because those are REALLY starting to piss me off...i learn the forms within 10 minutes of class time and you know what...THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT! you dont have to work on your forms because once you know it you friggin know it...im really just tired with the fact that all this gay forms crap is taking away my 45 minutes on the mat where we can be doing something fun like maybe grappling or something actually useful...AND THERE IS NO ONE TO TRAIN WITH...honestly...there is no one to friggin train with...i want to shot myself because im so friggin bored...no one does what i do...they all are into taekwondo...you know what i think im really gonna do is pull jarvis off to the side and just seriously teach him something useful, something fun, something thats not completely retarded...you know...something that he can play with...like maybe an...arm bar or maybe...some capoeira move, that way before class or something we can seriously just go and play some capoeira and i can you know teach him something that would be fun for a kid to do...because heres the reasoning...you yell at a kid and they'll get pissed off...tell a kid he's there to have fun...they will honestly think they are there to have fun...now thats not true with the way they teach class at EHKA because what happenes is that they say...ok you guys were going to have fun...and they just bullshit and waste our time for 45 minutes...anyway i could go on and on about how much i hate taekwondo...but id rather not...

2. Join up at CMA
haha no explaination here...im ALREADY joined up and im taking classes monday-thursday and saturday mornings...friggin shweet eh? 100 bucks for full membership...which means 100 bucks FOR UNLIMITED KNOWLEDGE...huh...yeah its that amazing

3. Join up at Golden City Gymnastics
haha luke's idea...with the help from me of course...friggin amazing i might add...me and luke are going to be free runners...luke will do all the power stuff like climbing really friggin high...and ill do all the monk-tastic moves jumping and flipping...but our ultimate goal is to really just flag pole something...that would be cool as hell

4. Get some damn friends that like having fun
shit you guys...all my friends right now are suckin balls cause none of them want to hang out...oh well...i guess im a shitty friend or person...who knows...frankly i dont give a damn...i mean...all my friends can blow me for all i care...

12:09am: ummm
i need my fucking beriumbau...NOW






::sniff sniff::

11:42pm: HA
its come to my attention that i have alot of people that are really just pretending to be my friends...its cool because i know who you are and i dont really give a damn if i see you in the hallways or anything like that because im not really gonna say hi or anything...i know you guys are just complete douche bags and you guys are just in it to make me feel better...but this is fucking highschool...i really dont give a damn if you think your fooling me or anything...because really ten says i dont really like you all that much either...


i just know that i can always fall back on myself...im really my own best friend and i can simply get myself through life without human interaction of any kind...im not a sad little freshmen that needs to be looked at or anything like that...im actually a reserved knowledgable senior who looks at people...and maybe...5 minutes in...can tell you everything about them...i can tell you their weak spot i can demolish them...just by looking at them...


im a ninja...period...


its also come to my attention that there is alot of people who dont really like me...like...hate me or at least say they do...or at least think they do...i could really care less about these people because as a ninja i find threat...and right now...there is no one that is poseing any threat to me...AT ALL...words dont hurt me...they dont phase me...they dont really do anything to me...they kinda make me giggle too...cause they are kinda funny...and im normally a COMPLETE smart ass about them...




oh yeah i love when people call me a hippy asian and question my judgement...it makes me feel pretty friggin warm inside...


i also like how i misspelled half the words in this

11:21pm: the greatest time of my life
asia fest 06








end of story...














































all other moments in my life are completely and utterly insignificant...in fact everything else in my life before the asia fest...was a sham...none of it was fun...none of it was ANY GOOD AT ALL...none...i dont even remember anything before the festival...not even like...a whole year and a half or anything like that...






































yup...greatest time

12:03am: my new schedule
dude...








i need a break shit day






monday...work
tuesday...taekwondo
wednesday...capoeira class
thursday...taekwondo
friday...work and/or sparring class
saturday....morn- training night- work
sunday...depends


and if crumps friend ray starts teaching muay thai


monday...muay thai
sunday...work ALL DAY


yay for me













i have to pay for everything...all my classes....THIS SUCKS!!! HOW AM I GONNA SAVE FOR JAPAN...

10:33pm: you know...
people are getting REALLY GAY



really...


im writing a book...its about my new fighting style that i made by combining alot of other styles...its pretty friggin shweet

brelin is supposed to fight brett coming this summer...i think alot of people should show up to watch...i need to use some of my ninjitsu tactics to infiltrate brett's area of training...observe the opponent...disect his weaknesses...and counter them...one...by one...by one...


brelin is going to learn some of my freestyle boxing...and trust me its going to be sick as hell...if anyone wants to learn just talk to me or begin to read my book...for it is i who is the grand master...


i wanna step into the ring again...i havent been to sparring in a good long time...i have a job now so its not like i can really just like pick up and go...i wanna start to use my freestyle boxing on someone...i need to know how well it works...i know that it will stand up to boxing standards...but i want to know EXACTLY how well it works...AGAINST ANYTHING....


i have a happy feeling that my fighting style is plausible and can only truely be understood by me...words and ideas can only fly out fast enough...during a fight there is no real time for thought but only reaction...i wanna shadow spar brelin in the morning...to test instinct and play through movements...



of course none of you fully understand what i mean...there are too many language barriers much less thought brackets to pull through...just know that i know what im talking about and can truely back it up...


god i wanna spank some ass in the roda...or boxing ring...or octagon...actually anything...i just know i wanna spank some ass...i wish someone would challenge me...::sigh:: someone who actually thinks that they have a fighting chance against me...someone who is not going to fight someone with something they dont know...



im saying...its cowardly to challenge someone at something they have no knowledge in...::ahem:: you know what i mean you know who im talking about...i wouldnt challenge you to a capoeira game or a match in taekwondo...i realize there is no way you can kick above your chest...i know your body almost better then you know it yourself...i know what movements to make to play against you i know where to pull you off balance...i would never fight you in something that you have a disadvantage in...nothing...thats like you challengeing me to a guitar contest...i wouldnt win...i know that...i suck at guitar...hell i dont even play anymore...but see heres the thing...im a fan of pushing myself...i do it every day for at least 2 hours...pushing my mind and body...not to mention my learning limitations...i learn untill my eyes start to hurt because i know the more knowledge i get the better...i can see in your stride the way you talk the way you walk...you a physically insecure...i can tell alot about a person's fight by the way they act...your cowardly...brelin has NO knowledge how to fight...trust me...he doesnt...if i asked him to spar...i would win...not because im good at sparring because i know he has no knowledge of me...i keep my traits hidden...i hide behind a mask i place on everyday...im not a good person...i know this...i know everything there is to know about myself...but i find out everyday that i can always do more...i am physically able to make you think whatever i want you to think...ive made you think so many things about me...i made you think i was your friend...i made you think i could skate...i made you think i was actually interested in anything you were talking about at the moment...i am in training to become a ninja lying and deceit are my ways...feigning an attack when i know im going to move in another motion is my way...i know what im doing at all times...i know how things will work out before i start them...im hardly ever surprised...




and ill be surprised if you challenge me to open styles before or after you fight him...




if you do...i wouldnt fight you...not with any seriousness at least...not only can i not take you seriously as a person but as an opponent...its complete farse to believe that someone of your stature would have any use full information to provide...you have no knowledge of what you speak of...and i can disprove any theory you have...unless its something gay like newton's law...your almost as bad as damien...(who told ME a person who has been to JAPAN that the US dollar was equivalent to 1000 yen...roughly 10 dollars over there...no damien...your gay...you suck at life....die) no one believes you anymore...especially when you think you know what your talking about...dont try to observe me and brelin...especially me...you have no knowledge of my skill and you have no knowledge of my training methods...there is no way you can look at me and know how i fight...it would be impossible...one you dont know my style of fight and two...you DEFINATELY dont know how to look at a person and judge through body motions...dont think that by watching me explain to brelin or aj that you have even scratched the raw surface of my knowledge...you havent started into the rabbit hole...the things i show them...and that i write on paper are the things a normal person would read from a normal taekwondo book...im like an ancient kung fu master...i keep the real tricks hidden because i know every move my opponent makes...i know when you are watching i know when your thinking...i mask for a living dear...its not as easy as you think...one thing is the next...the next is another...ancient chinese words...wait you should know that...i mean you know wu shu dont you?

7:37pm: my new plan
im gonna start some ninja training...



















anyone wanna come and play?

8:13pm: a pretty friggin good song
[Verse 1]
17 tight jeans and she bout it
White beater T, pretty teeth, yeah she got ‘em
Her body commands your attention (she keeps it so gutta man)
Can I take u out, I'll pay for it
Girl I got enough, so enjoy it
I'm hoping that your momma don't mind
Cause girl I gotta make you mine (yeah)
(Ohhh) Girl give me a chance I'm a take it
(Ohhh) Yeah I know I'm young but I'll take it
I just gotta know (yeah)

[Chorus]
Is this love
Because I gotta know, is this real
Girl I gotta know, is it you taking over my heart
If its love, then all my girls and them I gotta give them up
My playing days is over I gotta hang it up
I gotta know, I gotta know, yeah, is this love

[Verse 2]
If she gotta man I don't care because I need her
I gotta girl but if she want I'm a leave her
She can be the girl that I'm putting on (she keep it so gutta man)
I'm a b the nigga that'll change her
Make that other dude like a stranger
I just gotta know (tell me)

[Chorus]
Is this love
Because I gotta know, is this real
Girl I gotta know, is it you taking over my heart
If its love, then all my girls and them I gotta give them up
My playing days is over I gotta hang it up
I gotta know, I gotta know, yeah, is this love

[Bridge]
I ain't been doing much sleeping
Just daydreaming
Cause she's all up in my head
And I can't take it
I ain't never, ever felt like this
I gotta know, I gotta know
Is this how love really is

[Chorus 2x]
Is this love
Because I gotta know, is this real
Girl I gotta know, is it you taking over my heart
If its love, then all my girls and them I gotta give them up
My playing days is over I gotta hang it up
I gotta know, I gotta know, yeah, is this love

9:23am: wow long time no post
well lets see...what can i say about things now...there going great i guess...i mean nothing terrible for the past few weeks...ummm nothing really important has happened...im just really tired now i guess...i love a few things in my life about now...i LOVE capoeira i dont care what any of you think...because hell...you prolly dont matter to me...if you think thats all i talk about...it is...everything that comes out of my mouth now is about capoeira...and you know why...because capoeira is GOD...its everything...you guys just dont know the feeling of being in an actual roda...you loose your mind...really you do...you cant think its all reaction...and to know your body is reacting to things subconsiously is freaky...especially when you end up pulling something off that is completely and udderly AMAZING...everyday i try something new...wheather its like...doing a handstand after a push up or i dont know just something completely insane...i try it...im so close to landing a friggin 900...its actually scary...i get like 890 and then i top out and ground before i can do the last ten...

i think im going to start skating again...i just really need to fix my board and then everything will be alright again...i just kinda pisses me off when my board pulls like that...i wanna get really good...because i think i can get really good its just that im kinda busy you know...hmmm...oh yeah lemme tell you a friggin story...

so this guy...completely calls me out...i dont even know the friggin guy...but he calls me out...his name is like michael or something and he is one of brelin's friends...and lemme tell you something about tom...there is no one in the world like tom...no one...you can travel that whole world and you wont find a guy that walks, talks, or acts like tom...much less dresses like him...so anyway this douche is basically brelin...lets be real, he dresses like brelin, hangs out with him all the time i guess and is basically brelin's white counterpart...anyway...this guy apparently thinks he can breakdance...lets be honest i know damn well i cant breakdance...i just do stuff that looks cool when you put it all together...well this guy...is like boo i think...im not hateing on boo because i know damn well boo can do things i cant do...and i can do things boo cant do...but really think that he can only go up and down on handstands...and thats it...thats my impression...and i think thats how he does some of his moves...just up and down...shifting his body weight...well...lemme think...thats not breakdancing thats just a breakdancing pose...hell i can do that...and i dont even breakdance like i dont go into a club and start pulling off stupid crap like that...because thats just not tom...well anyway...he wants to challenge me in a game of skate because apparently he can skateboard now...im not good on the whole new school age tricks...tom keeps it old school because in my opinion...old school tricks look a hell of alot sicker then the new school...dont get me wrong...impossibles and friggin 360's are balls...but you just cant beat a good truck stand, rail slide, kick out...anyway i think i can kick the crap out of this kid in skate...but thats really just me...if my board wasnt completely friggin gay i could do it...but you know how that goes...and how i cant save up any money...damn this sucks...i need a job...i need money...and all i can do is spend it...THATS FRIGGIN IT...NO MORE SPENDING MONEY FOR THE NEXT WEEK...not until i have 100 bucks saved up...

by the way...i really wanna spar someone...like...not ufc kinda stuff like...5 min no point spar...like...brett...oooorrrr....brelin...orrrr....this michael kid or anyone really...i just wanna start taking hits as much as i can...so i can get ready for like more full contact martial arts...like maybe muy thai or...ninjitsu...who knows...just find me someone to spar...and i will...unless he's like a friggin beast...then maybe not...i dunno...it would have to seem like a fair fight...maybe...maybe if brelin ever gets his black ass over to my house...i can spar him...i REALLY need to spar someone more of my level...like...fighting sidewitz and stuff thats like...easy...because he isnt on my level really...and fighting donald or mr. crump isnt fun because they just beat the crap out of me...i just need someone like...my level to get better...its like in EverQuest...you cant fight someone to easy and you cant fight someone too hard you need to fight someone that will test your limits and make you accel at where your at now...thats who i need to fight...i need to fight someone like brelin, or someone like...e-man, or someone with my speed and my power...i could really just fight myself right about now...

anyway ive really began to change my life goal...i realize there is no way in hell im gonna be a teacher...ive just begun to give up on that...i havent taken any steps towards anything that would lead me in that path besides japanese...so ive decided if i cant teach english (apparently i dont know english, according to ms. bowden) and i cant teach the way to free speech and being able to say what you want to say when you want to say it...the way to really get your voice into a book, the way to pour feelings, emotions and everything into a character...apparently i dont know how to do it...because doing that would make it a 4 and the way your supposed to do it is with intelligence and proper grammer, and the way you evaluate things and blah buh blah blah blah...she actually killed my dream to teach english...the way she sucked the living happyness from my bones dry..its amazing...i want to become a martial arts instructor that way...i can still teach...in a sense...but i am doing something that i love...something that wont end up killing my soul and sucking me dry...thats the only reason i dont do good in that class...is because i have the inclination that teaching, learning, and class should be fun...i believe the only way to truely learn a subject is to have fun with it...and you know what...you cant have fun with a college class like E3AP...you just cant you step into that room and your soul seems to be sucked dry...no one is happy in that class...NO ONE...its the most meaningless stuff...i could teach the class better then she can...and i dont know ANY of the subject matter...i just know that a person learns more, and they excel more WHEN THEY ARE HAVING FUN...you can sit there for 30 minutes and read me a sheet of paper telling me how to play basketball, telling me how to disect the game, what its made of, how to rate it EVERYTHING THAT IS ANYTHING ABOUT BASKETBALL ALL THE MINDLESS THINGS BEHIND THE GAME and i wouldnt learn ONE thing...if you gave me a ball and said...play...i would pick up the game in 10 minutes or less...i would began to make my game the way I wanted it to be...I would make the game...I would make my own rules I would make the game TAILORED to ME...i would make my dribble diffrent from yours I might be faster I might shoot better...NO ONE IS THE SAME IN BASKETBALL there is always going to be someone on top...and its nothing like writing...its nothing like reading a passage and telling you what part is what...its not about the author's use of diction, its not about rhetoric, its about writeing down on a piece of FUCKING PAPER WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE ITS ABOUT LETTING GO AND LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU WHAT TO WRITE...NOT SOME ASSHOLE OLD FAT GUY TELLING YOU THAT YOU MUST USE DICTION IN THIS, YOU MUST USE RHETORIC OR THAT YOU DONT HAVE THE PROPER SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT because all of that...is...


forgotten...


all of it...

when you write...you dont think...

when you play capoeira...you dont think...

when you live...you dont think...



you just do what feels right, you make the moves you need to make...


and thats how you survive...

not using a guideline...not using a piece of paper to tell you what to do...



you make the moves you need to make...do the things you need to do...no one lives the same, no one does the same things...my future is not yours and yours is not mine...







cause i wont let it...

12:10am: might be worth a giggle...
Wtf Ceral Killer (8:19:00 PM): What are you doing tomorrow?
SoySauce1234567 (8:19:03 PM): nothing
SoySauce1234567 (8:19:09 PM): prolly recovering
Wtf Ceral Killer (8:19:27 PM): hmm, We should go to teh movies
SoySauce1234567 (8:19:34 PM): no
Wtf Ceral Killer (8:19:40 PM): Why not?
SoySauce1234567 (8:21:30 PM): im busy
SoySauce1234567 (8:21:41 PM): ive got the clap


oops made myself laugh...

5:46pm: christmas
so...my mom got me the mariah carey CD for christmas...why...


merry christmas?

5:17pm: Merry Christmas you little jerks
merry christmas to all the people in the world...i have the best present...all my friends



wow...that was ten pounds of cute...im goin back to WC3

10:49pm: im gonna kick my own ass here in a second...
i dont think im allowed to ever talk to sam again...

i REALLY screwed up...

i dont know what to do...

i think i might have just lost the most amazing thing in my life...because im stubborn...

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FRIGGIN STUPID!!! GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:26pm: para na way...para na way..para na para na...capoeira emotion man
so im pretty sure i love this girl...

she makes me REALLY happy...

and shes the only one i could ever ask for...

shes my one and only, she makes me wanna sing i like that...and to top it all off...

shes my panda bear...

i hope she reads this...because i want her to know how much she means

i hope she reads this...because i want her to know how much i really do love her...

i hope she reads this...because i want her to feel the same way too...

i guess what they say is true...you have to let something go to bring it back...

and i guess it works with panda's too...

shes my little panda bear...and to me she more then something cute and cuddly...but she is my life...and i'd do anything for her...

i love you panda bear...and i hope you love me too...

11:15pm: i have enough faith for the both of us...
we'll be back together...there is no question about that...you know it...i know it...the only question is when...

its only hard to look at eachother because we both know how bad we want eachother...

its so hard to admit that im the best for you isnt it...

i should tell you...i should tell you...

i have a broken heart...that only you can fix...

12:16am: so how about my day...
i had a bad day today...not the worse...close...but not the worst...o well...nothing i cant deal with...i dont feel the need to bitch, moan, and complain...because hell...that doesnt make anything better now does it...back to what i was saying...im really tired but i dont want to go to sleep...i fear i wont wake up...so what do i do...blog...thats right kiddies...ive become more of a loser then you think...anyway im going to the movies tomorrow with a select few people...i pretty much have my whole thanksgiving weekend planned out...and im kinda pissed off because i dont like planning stuff before it happens...cause it never works out that way...anyway...lately ive been really happy...givin my current situation...i believe it to be a miracle...a friggin sign from God that im still happy...and you know why...BECAUSE IM A COMPLETE AND TOTAL BADASS...period...

so i won best character for my chillingworth performance...yay for me!

holly did pretty good for the SUN but ms. bowden got pissed off at her because apparently she had the rays...but she wasnt burning at 3,000 degrees so her grade was lowered...

what'd you forget?

i know you...your...your shivering...

so i made the most craziest paragraph describeing my day! IN JAPANESE!!! since i was talking to people and sense got pissed....so here it goes:

watashi no kyo wa iijanai. soshite okiru wa totemo hayai ne. sorekara boku to boku no otosan wa akushidento o suru. takara kokujin wa saru yo. watashi wa totemo kirigai desukedou. boku no tomodachi wa daijoubu to iteinai. watashi wa uchi ni iitai yo ne! buretosan wa totemo futottiru desukedou. watashi wa marorisan no ga suki desu yo. eto, watashi wa samansasan wa anata dake wa boku no kokoro o kizutsukeru to iteimasu. tomusan wa totemo sabishi ne. samusan no mune wa okiiii desukedou! bo-densan wa abazureonna ne.

and thats how i feel readers...just that right there ties all that up...man i need a damn life...

10:39pm: my life changed alittle...
so i got GTO box set 2...dont you hate it...when you try to make plans or something...and the person your trying to make plans with...doesnt call, doesnt comment, or becomes invisible...seems to be happening to friggin much now adays...

5:58am: p.s. if you still wanna come over my house before the movie...and do that tresure hunt...find some way to tell me...because i need to know if you still wanna come or not...

8:58pm: haha i think only i'd get this...
"First Love" - Utada Hikaru
Saigo no kisu wa
Tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Anata wa doki ni irun darou
Dare wo omotterun darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugokidasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotterun darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

its...getting...harder...

i cheesed on my front flip yesturday and i think i strained something...but the truth is...i can live with all the pain i put myself in...because i cant stand the pain of everything else...its like when your stomach hurts or something and you hit your arm to make it feel better...i think thats what im doing...ive been hurting alot from my current situation...so...ive started...TRYING...to hurt myself in capoeira...and TRYING to hurt myself doing extreme kicks...not because it feels good to hurt myself...quite the opposite...not because i want attention or anything...because hell, lets be real...i dont get any attention anyway...shit no one cares about me...you dont think i hear you guys? you dont think i hear you guys when you say i should slow down...or i should give it a break for awhile? you dont think i hear you guys when you tell me im going to get seriously hurt from this? my own instructor told me to stop and just hang out and play video games the whole day...hell you dont think it sucks to get hurt...you guys think i like the pain im always in? you guys think i bandage my whole friggin leg to look cool? its not for show...its not for your guys's enjoyment...its to help me get better...i dont like the limp that i have...i dont like the way my leg bends when i sit down...or lack of bending i should say...but stop me...physically STOP ME from doing this...i want you guys to...i want you guys to TRY to...i want you guys to TRY to talk sense into me...because the way i see it...this is the most senseable thing ive done in awhile...i cant help that sam loves brett...i cant help that no one really likes me...i cant help the fact that none of you really care (except maybe Jon and Holly)...the only thing i can do now...is occupy my time...hopefully things will work out you know...hopefully ill find something or someone else to make me happy...but this is what it is...i DONT CARE if i die...i DONT CARE if i end up in a wheelchair...i actually WANNA die from this...because maybe for a second...it would take...HALF the pain away...

im going to keep doing this...im going to be this way until someone changes me...im going to end my life this way...because there is no other way i'd rather go...then doing something...the ONLY thing...

that makes you happy....

7:32pm: so how about this...
how about me not having any future...haha...ive basically lost it...ive lost my future...i REALLY dont know if i can go to japan because its gonna cost...hmmm 7 grand or more to go...yeah you heard me...ive permanantly hurt myself...yeah...a little birdie told me that i should take it easy...then that little birdie decided she wanted to fly away for a week in hopes of just flying back...expecting nothing to change...well something big did change...i hurt myself PRETTY DAMN BAD...my right leg is shot...i dont know whats wrong with it...but its pretty much shot...there is a sharp pain in my knee when i nagachiva and when i stretch out my leg will tighten up ALOT...it starts to pop and the knee and if i push it down further my leg starts to go numb and it kinda makes me wanna cut it off...in addition to the whole...leg falling off, and wanting to make me die part...there is my faithful wrist...now my wrist doesnt hurt ALL the time...just when i move it, write, type, or do anything that would put any strain what so ever on the joints...YAY tom's fallin the fuck apart! i hope your happy...i sure as hell am...my life is a mess, it sucks balls, im in constant pain, i dont have a girlfriend, i dont have anyone to REALLY make me happy, i have maybe 5 REAL friends...and...oh yeah...im broke...

enough fucking complaining you gay bitch!

im a man god damnit...im fucking tired of the shit people try to pull on me...im fucking tired of having my BODY tell me what the fuck to do...if i want to do capoeira and if i want to do kali, taekwondo, extremekicks, and a whole bunch of other REALLY fucking cool shit...THEN THATS WHATS GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN...i dont give a shit if im in a wheel chair for the rest of my life...i can always play fucking murderball god damnit! buck the fuck up cowboy...your gettin your ass a life...your gonna stop thinking about all this meaningless shit in your life...and your going to start concentrating on the shit that makes you tick...you dont need a damn girlfriend...you dont need any damn friends...YOU NEED TO DO CAPOEIRA, YOU NEED TO GET GOOD GRADES, YOU NEED FOOD AND WATER, YOU NEED TO MAKE A FUCKING FUTURE FOR YOUR WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT EXCUSE OF AN EXSISTENCE...HOLLA BACK BITCH! GET YOUR HEAD ON DIP SHIT! ITS TIME TO STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH ABOUT STUFF YOU CANT CONTROL...YOU CANT CONTROL WHAT PEOPLE WANT, YOU CANT CONTROL HOW YOUR BODY TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO...AND YOU SURE AS HELL CANT CONTROL THE FUTURE! SO STOP FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT IT...WHAT ARE YOU GAY?! FUCK YOU DIPSHIT! NEXT TIME ILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU IN THE GOD DAMN GONADS...but thats just my fucking opinion I could be WRONG...

9:11am: its d day people...and i'm never comin home
i had a dream last night...and when i woke up i was holding your hand that wasnt there...

hopefully my dreams will stop...

but the only way that would happen is if i become a zombie...

put that one on my check list...

well...im not going to be here for much longer anyway...

why am i worrying about shit in the past...

what kind of fuckin capoeirista am i...

can't wait for my feet to hit that roda...

and i cant wait to feel the dirt being poured over my casket

i kinda want to know what it feels like to be gone forever...

9:25pm: so i havent updated in awhile
so i havent updated in awhile...things...are things...i mean...i dont have much of a way to explain anything anymore...im...yeah...so today i got up thinking it was going to be a good day...but i got sick after homeroom and my mommy came and picked me up...i always think every day is going to be good...i always seem to have that much of an open mind nowadays...i get up from my couch and walk myself to the shower...i hop in and let the water run down my back...telling myself...today...is a good day...everyday i do that...i dont know why...but it just makes me smile a little bit...so i get to school...and its the exact opposite of a good day...but everyday i wake up...and tell myself that its going to be a good day...all these bad things are happening to me...yet i have enough mind every morning to tell myself that nothing bad is going to happen...i take capoeira...seriously...if you dont know what that is...its brazillian dance fighting...and im pretty good at it for the most part...classes are about 25 bucks for 30 mintues...but mr. crump has been extending it to about 45...on top of taekwondo...capoeira is my life...for example this week was as follows:

monday- capoeira practice by myself for 2 hours
tuesday- taekwondo for 45 minutes and 15 minutes of capoeira time after class
wenesday- capoeira for 45 minutes that really was about an hour long
thursday- taekwondo for 45 minutes and 15 minutes after class again working on panda flips
friday- 2 hours of capoeira and learning the beriumbau

that was my week...not to mention all the capoeira in school...but the bad thing is...i hurt myself monday...not bad...just minor...then wenesday i hurt myself...major...my right leg doesnt move properly, my wrists are swore, the bottom of my right foot has a knot the size of texas in it...and i have mat burn on my feet (thats where you move your feet so fast across the floor of the dojo that the mats basically skin your feet)...and today i got up...and i could feel my back strain...yet i limped myself over to the shower...and told myself i was going to have a good day...when i knew damn well i wasnt...after 1st period i limped to homeroom...i had so much pain in so many areas...after homeroom i got sick in one of the bathrooms...and called my mom to take me home...we stopped by the doctor...and he said that i prolly ate something wrong...but he was concerned about my health and well being...he said that all my injuries sustained from martial arts are going to catch up to me...SOONER rather then LATER...he told me that not only was i going to have a bad back when i get older...that i am going to have many problems with my wrists and legs (this is assumeing i keep this up...) he says i am putting way to much stress on my body...and its just not ready to handle it yet...he says if i keep over working myself i could get REALLY sick...i could get SERIOUSLY injured or possibly strain my spinal cord...(which would mean a wheel chair...or death)he looked me straight in the eye and told me that i should recover before doing anything else major...i told him about my 2 hours of capoeira tomorrow and he said that he would advise not to do it...but if i did do it...take it VERY slow...and dont try anything stupid...also he said that after that i should take at least a week off from doing anything with heavy lifting, fast running...anything that will overexert my muscles...and i told him..."i love capoeira, its really the only thing i have in my life now that makes me happy...im not going to stop doing martial arts because its the only way i can feel alive...i dont care if i hurt myself i dont really care if i die or not...at least ill die happy, and doing something i love...capoeira and all this work im going through is worth it...because, i dont have any friends, i dont have a life...this is my life...capoeira and martial arts...thats my life...nothing else...its all i have left to live for..." so thats whats been going on...the doctor basically says im dying...i know im dying...im not happy anymore unless im in a roda and im feeling the torque of the beriumbau...i have no friends in life anymore, i dont have a girlfriend, i dont have anything else that will ever make me happy...FUCK ALL OF YOU GUYS I DONT NEED ANY OF YOU...YOU GUYS ARE NOTHING BUT ASSHOLES WHO WANT TO SEE ME GO...I DONT HAVE FRIENDS I DONT HAVE A LIFE...FUCK YOURSELFS AND STOP PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT ME...YOU DONT...DONT SAY YOU DO BECAUSE YOU CANT BULLSHIT A BULLSHITTER...I HOPE ALL OF YOU GUYS BURN IN HELL...FOR MAKING ME BELIEVE YOU CARE...WHEN YOU COULDNT GIVE LESS OF A RATS ASS...I KINDA HOPE I DIE NOW...SO I DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS BULLSHIT...I HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS...MY ONLY FRIENDS NOW ARE: DONALD, CRUMP, AND WHITCOMB...THATS ALL...THE REST OF YOU CAN LAUGH LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO AS I WITHER AWAY...JUST KNOW WHEN IM A GHOST IM GOING TO SHIT ON ALL OF YOU GUYS...BY THE FUCKING WAY TODAY WAS A GREAT FUCKING DAY IN THE LIFE OF TOM...HE REALIZED WHATS REALLY IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE...AND THATS LIVING HIS LIFE HAPPY UNTILL I DIE FROM IT...NOT FRIENDS, HARDLY FAMILY, THERE IS NO SUCH GOD DAMN THING AS LOVE, BUT THE RODA, MALICIA THATS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT...FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE OVER BEFORE THEY FUCK YOU...AND IM DONE LETTING YOU GUYS FUCK WITH ME...THERE IS A NAME FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU GUYS...IT STARTS WITH A B AND ENDS WITH AN ITCHES...GO SHIT ON YOURSELFS...tom is already dead...

6:55pm: this is for holly because she smells funny
"Seasons Of Love"
525,600 minutes
525,600 moments so dear
525,600 minutes
How do you measure?
Measure a year?

In day lights?
In sunsets?
In midnights,
In cups of coffee?

In inches?
In miles?
In laughter,
and strife?

525,600 minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes! 525,600 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes, how do you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died?!

It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love!
Seasons of love...


p.s. holly...will you light my candle?